


Blues and Ambers and Worlds of Grey

by alipopsie



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Color Blindness, Fluff and Angst, Multi, Soulmates, as in canon events still happen but there's a soulmate aspect, canon aligned, not very much actual shadowgast content I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23513116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alipopsie/pseuds/alipopsie
Summary: Caleb met his soulmate, Astrid, at a young age, and was able to see colour long before many of his peers, but when he lost his sanity, he lost his ability to see colour too.Turns out soulmates are bound to more than just your literal state of living.
Relationships: Astrid/Bren Aldric Ermendrud, Caduceus Clay/Fjord, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast, Veth Brenatto/Yeza Brenatto, Yasha/Zuala (Critical Role)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 246





	Blues and Ambers and Worlds of Grey

**Author's Note:**

> (hey quick note this fic contains a conversation between caleb and astrid that's quite similar in tone to the one they had in canon. It's between "bren heard the door open" and "astrid was gone" if that makes you real uncomfortable, you should be able to read the fic without it if absolutely necessary.)

Bren’s world was grey. He’d never known different. His parents told him that the world was full of colour, that there was a bright blue to the sky, the grass was green, and his bedsheets were orange. He’d been told that one day he would meet his soulmate, and his world would be filled with these colours, and he’d know that whoever’s eyes he met would be his partner til one of them was gone, and the world would be grey once more.

Bren had never had much interest in soulmates. Sure, it was an interesting concept, but of all the magics in Exandria, it was one of the types that interested Bren the least.

Then he’d met Astrid. 

Astrid, with her dark brown eyes.

Astrid, with brown hair, and pale skin. Whose presence made Bren’s heart feel light in his chest. Who was a companion, a comfort, a partner to him through all the trials they were put through. For years of study it was him and Astrid, some of the only kids their age who could see the world in colour. Who would play with colourful magics and describe the world to their colourblind peers. They were unstoppable together, and it all felt right.

But then they reached the final test. The last task of their training. He’d watched Astrid and Eodwulf be rid of their family ties. His heart was heavy, and Astrid’s face was pale as they left her house, Eodwulf’s hands were speckled with deep crimson.

And he’d done away with his own parents. He’d set the fire and hoped that neither one would have to live their last moments in grey.

But then he heard their screams. Their screams of his name.

“Bren!” 

“Bren we have to save him!” 

“Bren where are you?”

And something in his brain was broken. He didn’t see Astrid run to stop him, he didn’t feel his hand scorch her neck, he only saw the bright, terrible amber of the fire swallowing his childhood home.

That amber was the last colour he saw for a long time. 

For eleven long years he stayed in the sanatorium, the rooms grey. Everything was back to before he met Astrid, but colder. Colder and scarier. 

~~~

Bren heard the door open, but he didn’t look up.

“Bren?” 

Astrid’s voice was soft. Too soft. It was full of pity, like she was approaching a wounded animal instead of her former best friend and soulmate.

“I know you don’t want to talk. I’m not here to make conversation, but I didn’t want you to stay in the dark...”

“Sit.” He had meant it as an invitation, but it had come out as a demand, his voice was hoarse, he hadn’t said a word for sixteen days, and when he had spoken, it was never sentences, just the essential words.

Astrid obliged, however, and continued.

“I don’t know how much you’ve been told, but Wulf and I are both okay. We’re doing well, and we both passed.”

Bren nodded. It was nice to hear Zemnian again. Everyone here spoke common, and though he could understand everything the doctors said, it was nice to hear something in his own native tongue that wasn’t a few muttered words he wasn’t meant to hear.

Astrid sighed heavily, as if she was trying to find a way to say what Bren knew she was going to. “I’m sure you’re aware, but I’ve lost my ability to see colour, and I doubt it’s different for you.”

Bren shook his head, keeping his eyes trained on his arms, tracing each line of his scars as they wove along his arms, all in grey.

“I guess that means we’re no longer soulmates.”

Bren nodded. He wanted nothing less than to look at her face, to see the pity that was undoubtedly as present on her face as in her voice, but when she raised a hand to his chin and tilted his face up, he couldn’t help but meet her gaze, even if it was just to take her in for what may be the last time.

They looked at each other for a long while. Brown and blue eyes stayed the grey they’d been for months, but Bren’s eyes, greedy as they were against his will, soaked in every bit of her. Her hair was longer, though still nowhere near what would be described as long, and she bore a large, dark burn scar on the side of her neck.

He could still feel his hand scorching her skin. Hear her begging him to turn away, to find a way to come back, to look into her eyes and let her see colour again.

“I’m sorry,” she broke Bren away from what his mind was forcing him into, soft words grounding him in the moment even if she didn’t realise, “I guess curiosity just got the better of me. Maybe there was a little hope that we’d still be, you know...”

Bren was barely listening, and his fingers somehow, of their own accord, found their way to brush the scar on her neck, making her flinch.

“ _ I’m _ sorry.” he rasped, and she nodded.

“It was to be expected. Maybe one of us was meant to pass. We, Wulf and I both, are lucky that we made it out okay. I’m sorry you were the one who fell.”

There was such sincerity to her words that he had to look away again.

She stood up, placing a hand on his shoulder so gently it was like she feared he may explode.

“I’ve heard of people getting new soulmates, and seeing colour again. Maybe it’s written for us, too. I wish you luck with her.”

Bren nodded, doubting he’d ever find his way to meet someone new, but appreciating the sentiment as he heard her make her way to the door.

“But, Bren.” She lingered in the doorway for just a moment, “If I was only destined for one soulmate, I’m glad it was you.”

He heard the door close, and Astrid was gone.

~~~

After that he continued to avoid eye contact, he kept his head down and his mouth closed. Colour was scary when it had hurt him so badly.

He broke out of the sanatorium, and made many new identities for himself, trying to stay hidden and stay alive, and stay out of the danger of being in love again.

The next time he made eye contact with someone was years after that talk with Astrid, with Nott the Brave. She was the only person he’d trusted in years, and even when her eyes stayed grey when he met them, she brought some semblance of colour to his world again.

It was nice to know that there was someone who cared for him, and who had his back, and he was honestly, though he wouldn’t admit it, relieved when he didn’t have to look at colours again.   
  
~~~

“Hi! I’m Jester!” The tiefling extended a hand.

“I’m… Caleb.” 

There’d been a moment where he reflexively went to give a new name, to make one up, before remembering the goblin next to him. Caleb Widogast would be his name for a while.

“Nice to meet you… Caleb...” she awkwardly shook hands with the air, and he realised he’d forgotten to return the gesture, “How much silver did I just get?”

“Seven.” The human woman yelled, and Jester cheered loudly, scooping her share of the coins into her pouch before turning back to Caleb.

“So, Cay-leb,” she emphasised his name, leaning much of her body onto the table as her tail swished eagerly behind her, “what’s your favourite colour?”

“Don’t have one.”

“What colour am I?”

“Red?” He guessed, not really caring enough to try matching her tone to a hue.

She leaned directly into Caleb’s line of sight, forcing eye contact with him.

“How about now?”

“Grey.” he responded, breaking eye contact the second he realised what she was doing.

“Aw man...” her ears drooped a little and she pulled herself off the table.

“Wouldn’t you know as well if we were soulmates?” he asked, only half interested.

“She already has a soulmate.” The half orc said, gesturing to the human beside him, “She met Beau a few days ago, and they both saw colour. She’s just very into the idea of love triangles.”

Jester perked back up “Oh man Caleb you like books right? I saw you have books so you must like to read. I read the most lovely story about a girl who had two soulmates and she couldn’t choose and- hold on...” she started digging through her bag.

Caleb took a long drink.

~~~

Caleb’s next moment of new eye contact was a strange one.

It was after the defeat of Kylre, the fiend. Here, pressed into this boat with a band of misfits, of idiots, something inside him clicked.

It felt strange, like something was pulling him together with this group, and he caught himself scanning across his faces here, in the black of night on the water, only the faintest of moonlights making their faces dark and hard to see.

It was only when they got back to town that he noticed colours. Bright, vivid colours. The blue of Beau’s robes, the green of Nott’s skin, and the walking beacon of colour that was Mollymauk.

He didn’t mention the colours. He didn’t dare to ask whose eyes he had met. The question could wait. He could wait. Whoever it was would surely ask anyway. That, or he’d find out of his own accord.

~~~

Yells echoed through the area, though Caleb couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t see much either, but he could hear Lorenzo’s low voice say something, and Beau and Keg scream.

Something was wrong. Something was terribly, horribly wrong, and Caleb could see nothing. He couldn’t see any of his party from where he was, but he was too preoccupied to get himself somewhere he could look, but he blinked once, and immediately he knew. 

He couldn’t hear or see anything as his mind raced. 

Something burned in his stomach as he remembered the way Molly had teased him, the way he’d winked and lingered, the way he’d caught Molly staring at him when he thought he wasn’t looking. The way he’d kissed his head when he’d gone catatonic in the gnoll mines. Something clicked, just a few seconds too late, and Caleb felt like an idiot. 

When he finally became aware of his surroundings once more, the carts were gone, and he could see Mollymauk Tealeaf’s blood on the ground, just as grey as his coat.

~~~

“Nott, what was that?  _ Who _ was that?” Beau’s voice was unusually soft, though there was a demandingness to her tone.

“Not here, follow me.” Nott was still in her halfling disguise and seemed to be on the edge of tears, and they followed her wordlessly out of town, down to a quiet spot by the river.

They sat together on the bank for a bit, the water and the trees made for a gentle, soothing environment, but the Nein were watching Nott patiently as she gathered her words. Her illusion had faded by the time she was ready.

“I owe you all an explanation...” she started, then raised a hand to stop the people who tried to talk. “I wasn’t always Nott the Brave. I used to be Veth Brenatto, a halfling. I was bullied throughout my childhood, for never being pretty enough, or strong enough, or smart enough or brave enough. I was bullied by my brothers, my peers, my friends...”

“Nott, I-” Beau tried to speak, but Nott stopped her.

“But then one time some boys dared this boy, Yeza, to kiss me. It was a cruel joke, they thought it was funny and they were making fun of both of us. But he did, without hesitation. And then I looked into his eyes, and everything was colour.”

“You’ve been able to see colour this whole time?” Jester yelled, but Nott shook her head.

“We grew up, stayed in love, married, had a son, Luc. But then we were captured, the goblins… They took me and my family. We escaped, and they chased us. I let Yeza and Luc escape, led the goblins after me instead, but they caught up, and in self defence I killed one of them.” She laughed bitterly. “They didn’t like that. His wife, she took me to a witch, and told her to make me suffer. They drowned me. I died.”

There was a moment of silence as they all processed the words.

“But then they brought me back,” she continued, “And I became a goblin. I became everything I never wanted to be. Every terrible thing I saw in myself was on the outside too. I was stripped of my form, and of my ability to see colour. When I died, the magic that bound me and Yeza broke. Veth was dead, after all.”

Yasha put a hand on Nott’s shoulder, pity and tears in her eyes, and Nott smiled before continuing.

“I know he’s out there. I can feel it. They haven’t killed him. Not yet. I just hope,” she hiccuped a little, tears streaming down her face, “That this curse hasn’t changed me so much that I won’t be able to see colour, even if our eyes do meet again.”

The whole group was crying now. Yasha had moved to fully hug Nott, and there was an understanding in her expression that made Caleb fear her past. 

It was now if ever, he decided.

“I wasn’t born Caleb Widogast.” Everyone’s eyes were on him now, and he swallowed a lump in his throat before continuing, “I was once Bren Aldric Ermendrud. Caleb was a cover name, a fake name I made up to get out of trouble, but now it is mine.”

He fidgeted with the edge of the bandage on his arm as he tried to get the words out.

“And I was once able to see colour too.” Nott and Yasha stared at him, and he blinked away tears. “Well, more than once. When I was young, when I was Bren, I met someone, and she was my soulmate. One day I did something terrible, and something in me died, and my world became grey.”

He felt Beau’s hand stopping his own, and realised he’d started scratching at his arms.

“But then I met you all, and I didn’t know whose eyes I met, but I could see colour.”

Jester gasped “Oh but who is it! It’s probably not Fjord right? He got his colours from Caduceus, so maybe...” she raised a hand to her mouth, “Is it me?”

“You already have Beau.” Yasha pointed out. “You had her before you even met Caleb.”

“Aw but that’s so boring...” whined Jester, and Caleb felt Beau’s hand tense, “It’s so much more fun when they’re not really soulmates, or when one of them is the other’s soulmate and not the other way around. Just like in Tusk Love.”

“Well it’s too late for that now, Jester. I’ve been lucky enough to receive many second chances in my life, but I doubt I can get a third.”

There was a silence that lasted an eternity, even the river seemed to become mute as the Mighty Nein each realised what he’d said, the quiet eventually broken by a soft “Oh.” from Fjord.

“Man, I’m really sorry Caleb.” Beau spoke up. “He was one of the best among us.”

“I know.”

“We miss him too.”

“I know, Beauregard. I know, but it doesn’t matter. I never realised it was him. Not until the moment I saw his body. I don’t know if he knew, I don’t want to know. It’s too late.”

Beau pulled her hand away and looked at the ground, the seven of them just sitting in silence again for a long while, before Yasha stood up.

“Well,” she said, a new kind of determination in her voice “let’s try to find your husband. Then we’ll have one less of us stuck without colour.”

She threw an awkward half smile to Caleb before turning and making her way back towards Felderwin, the rest of them following behind.

~~~

Caleb wasn’t sure what had led him to do it.

They’d had the Beacon for almost as long as they’d been a group, and they hadn’t been allying themselves with either side of the war.

Something about it, something in that room, had felt safe.

He had been determined to get Nott’s soulmate back. He’d made a promise to his friend, one night in the dark tunnels under the Ashkeeper Peaks, just the two of them. He’d promised to get him back, and she’d looked at him with what he knew was hopeful disbelief.

Neither of them had expected him to do it like this, though. He knew they’d both been expecting a jailbreak, or a fight. Some heavy lying, or manipulation. They’d all, he thought, expected to walk out of that court as prisoners.

Instead, they were heroes, following a curious drow that Jester was attempting to bombard with questions.

They walked through the strange maze of hallways, and Caleb felt even his own mind being slightly warped by the place. It was slightly disorienting, and he found himself wondering what it must feel like for his friends, whose brains weren’t tracking their every movement with this much diligence.

“Do you have any pets?” Jester asked, leaning close to the Shadowhand, Essek, who moved away subtly.

“No.”

“Who does your hair?”

“Me.”

“Are there any good pastry shops around here?”

“I’ve heard the Rosehip Bakery is quite good.”

“What’s your favourite colour?”

"I wouldn't know."

“What colour are your eyes?”

“We’re here,” Essek said, gliding forward as Jester tried to get a look at his face.

“Do we just… go in?” Nott asked, and Essek nodded.

“Feel free to make any preparations you see fit, and talk to the prisoner,” he looked to Nott, “your soulmate, correct?”

Nott smiled nervously. “I think so. I hope so.”

“Then you won’t find it hard, I’m sure. I’ll be right here, if you need me.”

“And we can just leave with him?” Beau asked, “Do we have to kill you to take him?” 

“I’d like to see you try.” Essek laughed softly, but with just enough confidence that it filled Caleb with a strange mixture of fear and intrigue, “No, that’s my decision, and combat will not be necessary.”

Caleb kneeled down in front of Nott, meeting those wide eyes he’d seen so many times before, the ones he knew were yellow beyond the limits of his own vision. 

“Are you ready?”

“No.”

“Well we’re here,.and we will support you, and we love you.”

Not smiled, “Thank you, Caleb.”

“And if he doesn’t love you, we’ll smash him to bits.” Jester said, and Nott looked a little taken aback, but smiled appreciatively as she cast, changing her appearance into that of Veth Brenatto.

Jester walked to the door and peeked inside, Nott and Caleb not far behind her.

“Yeza?” She asked, her tail swishing nervously.

“Yes?” An anxious voice responded, and Caleb felt Nott grab his hand.

Jester walked into the room. “Um, we have Veth here to see you, and we may be able to get you out.”

“Veth?” Yeza sounded suddenly hopeful, “Where is she?”

“Oh, uh, she’s just here,” Jester said, “she’s uh, a little different to when you last saw her, though.”

“Okay?”

“But just know that she still loves you so very much! And even if she looks different to how she did before, she’s still your wife, and she still loves you so much that we came all the way here to rescue you.”

“I know.”

“Alright Veth,” Jester said, a little louder than she needed to, “Come on in!”

Nott walked in, and Caleb stood by the doorway with Jester, the rest of the Nein watching from the hallway behind them.

“Hi… Sweetie.” Nott started, unsure.

“Veth!” Yeza sighed, sounding relieved beyond anything Caleb had heard before, and made to move towards her, stopping when she put her hands up. “It’s really you...”

Nott took a deep breath, “It is, but I  _ am _ different. I look different, and I am different, and this,” she gestured to herself, “is an illusion. But I’m still me, right?”

Yeza cautiously raised his hands to her face, and, when she didn’t object, let them clip through the illusion to touch her skin. “You are. I’m sure.”

“You have to promise,” Nott kept her head down as she spoke, avoiding Yeza’s eyes, “that you won’t laugh, or cry, or get mad, or throw rocks, or be afraid.”

Yeza looked taken aback, “I would never.”

Nott smiled and took a deep breath, then dropped the illusion, looking at Yeza, and looking into his eyes.

“You’re still my soulmate...” she said, after a long moment.

“And you’re  _ green. _ ” Yeza said, eyes wide.

“Is that… okay?” Nott barely got a chance to finish the question before Yeza had thrown himself onto her, and pulled her into a kiss.

Jester and Caleb quietly backed out of the room, leaving the two to their privacy, and looked to the rest of the group.

“Is he allowed to leave?” Beau asked, turning to the Shadowhand.

Essek sighed, “I suppose. I do need to ask him a few questions, but as long as he answers them adequately, he’s free to go.”

Caleb stepped forward, taking Essek’s hands in his own.

“Thank you. This means so much. To all of us.”

“It’s the least I’m able to do, for returning the beacon we all thought lost.” 

Essek smiled, and looked up to match Caleb’s gaze, and Caleb met bright, golden amber eyes.

That amber was the first colour he’d seen in a long time.

**Author's Note:**

> hey thanks for reading! I've had this fic in the works for a long time shoutout to essek discord to whom I first dumped the idea in mid march. I did it guys :)  
> ftr I'm alipopsie basically everywhere and I always love comments and kudos no matter how far in the future you're reading! thanks for enjoying!


End file.
